The Xelloss Files
by Majin Vegeta
Summary: This is a fanfic that has nothing to do with the X-Files even though its name might suggest otherwise. R&R please!


The Xelloss Files  
By:Majin Vegeta  
  
Disclaimer:I don't own anything Slayers except for the movies I have. I also don't own the X-Files theme song. If I did own anything that was ever on TV I would be richer than I am now!   
  
Note:This has nothing to do with the X-Files at all...it's just the title!  
  
Cast:  
Main Character-Xelloss  
Supporting Cast (in order of appearance)-Majin Vegeta (MV), Valgaav, Amelia, Lina, Zelgadis, and Fibrizo.   
  
Lina:I'm the star!  
  
MV:Not this time! It's a story about Xelloss!  
  
Lina:FIREBALL!  
  
MV: ::Is burnt to a crisp:: Owie, fire hurts.  
  
  
**********  
  
  
Episode 1:The secrets are out there ^_^  
  
  
::The X-Files music starts playing::  
  
Xelloss: ::Starts whistling the X-Files theme music:: The secrets are out there ^_^.  
  
MV:Yeah and you're the one with all the secrets!  
  
Xelloss:Yes I suppose you're right ^_^.  
  
MV:Ok you're the main character of this fic.  
  
Xelloss:I'm honored ^_^  
  
MV:You shouldn't be.  
  
Xelloss:Ok I'm not honored ^_^  
  
MV:Riiiiight. Let's begin the first part of this fic!  
  
::Xelloss and Majin Vegeta fall into a lab where Valgaav sits::  
  
Valgaav:Ok Agent Majin, Agent Fruitcake, you are to find out the reason why Amelia preaches justice so much!  
  
MV:Why?  
  
Valgaav:Because I %^$#ing said so!  
  
Xelloss:Don't be silly Val, %^$#ing isn't a word ^_^   
  
Valgaav:SHUT THE %$#@ UP YOU STUPID @#$!@%$^#&*&#%@@$# FRUITCAKE!  
  
Xelloss:@#$!@%$^#&*&#%@@$# isn't a word either ^_^  
  
MV:Don't get him any more angry Xelloss.  
  
Valgaav:I'm going to come with you two idiots.  
  
MV:Good job Xelloss! ::Facefaults::  
  
Xelloss:Thanks ^_^.  
  
  
Will they find out why Amelia preaches justice so much? What exactly is a '@#$!@%$^#&*&#%@@$#'? Why are Dragonball Z type questions appearing at the end here? Find out on the next episode of the Xelloss Files!  
  
  
**********  
  
  
Lina:Yeah why exactly are Dragonball Z type questions appearing at the end of the episodes?  
  
MV:Because I said so!  
  
Lina:Baka.  
  
  
**********  
  
  
Episode 2:It's all about the justice ^_^  
  
  
Xelloss:Does anyone really care why Amelia preaches about justice so much? ^_^  
  
MV:Not really.  
  
Valgaav:Well I want to know, it annoys the hell out of me!  
  
MV:Okay then, let's go into the phasing machine and find out!  
  
Valgaav:What the hell is a phasing machine?  
  
Xelloss:Sore wa himitsu desu! ^_^  
  
Valgaav:SHUT UP FRUITCAKE!  
  
MV:Calm down guys. ::Leads Valgaav and Xelloss to a big machine:: That's the phasing machine!  
  
Xelloss:I thought you said I was the main character of this fic Majin-san ^_^  
  
MV:I did say that  
  
Xelloss:They why is Valgaav's name before mine? ^_^  
  
MV:Because it isn't after it!  
  
Xelloss:Oh ok ^_^  
  
MV:Anyway this is the phasing machine.   
  
::Everyone gets in the the machine disappears and reappears to a place where Amelia is standing on a big rock. She is giving a long speech about justice to a bunch of evil bandits::  
  
Amelia:If you don't pay you're taxes you will pay evil fiends! I am Amelia and in the name of justice I shall smash you with the hammer of justice!  
  
Valgaav:What an idiot.  
  
Bandit 1:You'll never take me alive Amelia!  
  
Bandit 2:Yeah see.  
  
Bandit 3:MWAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Xelloss: ::Teleports behind the three bandits:: You realize bandits never survive in any Slayers fanfic. ^_^  
  
Bandit 1:You'll never take me alive creepy purple haired guy!  
  
Bandit 2:Yeah see.  
  
Bandit 3:MWAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Xelloss: Ok ^_^ ::Teleports back to the phasing machine::  
  
Amelia:Take this you evil bandit creeps! RA TILT! ::The bandits are blown to bits::  
  
Xelloss:I told them they wouldn't survive, but did they listen? Nope ^_^  
  
MV:Since when are you such a nice person?  
  
Xelloss:Since ever ^_^  
  
Valgaav:GOD DAMN FRUITCAKE!  
  
Xelloss:You rang Val? ^_^  
  
Amelia: ::Looks over to the phasing machine and sees everyone:: Hi guys! What's going on?  
  
MV:Another stupid fic Amelia. Why don't you join us?  
  
Amelia:Because I have to fight for justice!  
  
MV:When I asked if you would join us. I really meant you *will* join us!   
  
Xelloss:In classic Majin-san style ^_^  
  
MV:Thank you.  
  
Xelloss:No prob ^_^.  
  
Amelia:Alright! ::Walks over to the group and then they abandon the phasing machine::  
  
Valgaav:Ok Agent Majin, Agent Fruitcake, Amelia....  
  
Amelia:Call me the Justice Princess!  
  
Valgaav: ::Sweatdrops:: Alright Justice Princess, agents....now we have to find out the reason Lina consumes so much food and never gets fat.  
  
Everyone but Val:Why?  
  
Valgaav:To keep the fic going!  
  
MV:Good answer!  
  
  
Will the fic keep going? Why do bandits show up in every single one of my Slayers fics? Why does Lina eat so much? What's up with the name Justice Princess? Find out next time!  
  
  
**********  
  
  
Zelgadis:This fic is rather interesting. It isn't as stupid as all of your other ones.  
  
MV:Uhhh thanks I think Zel-sama. By the way, I think that was the most you have ever spoken.  
  
Zelgadis:Oh shut up.  
  
  
**********  
  
  
Episode 3:Dragu Slaves and food bills! ^_^  
  
  
Xelloss:That's a strange title ^_^  
  
MV:Hey I don't care about you're opinion!  
  
Xelloss:I know ^_^ but I can still talk if I want ^_^  
  
MV: ::Blinks:: Uh-huh yeah Xel...you talk all you want. ::Grunts:: Weirdo!  
  
Valgaav:Hey Agent Majin, SHUT THE $#%@ UP!  
  
MV: ::Proceeds to shut the $#%@ up::  
  
Valgaav:Thank you. Now we have to go to the next location.  
  
Amelia:How are we supposed to do that Mr. Valgaav?  
  
MV: ::Cuts off anything Val would have said:: Easy! I'll use my superior author powers! ::Makes everyone disappear in a cloud of smoke and reappear in a restaurant::  
  
Xelloss:This must be where Lina is ^_^  
  
MV:Can you say lucky guess?  
  
Amelia:No it's just common knowledge Mr. Majin.  
  
MV: ::Covers Amelia's mouth with hand:: Don't tell anyone that!   
  
::Lina is eating a ton of food. After she is done a nervous waiter and an angry looking chef walk towards her table::  
  
Waiter:How...how ::Shakes:: are you gonna pay Miss Dragon Spooker ma'am?  
  
Lina:You mean I have to pay?  
  
Waiter:Yeah you gotta....p...p...pay.  
  
Chef:YOU BETTER PAY LINA INVERSE OR ELSE!  
  
Lina:Or else what?  
  
Chef:I didn't think of that part yet.  
  
Lina: ::Sweatdrops::   
  
Waiter:Here is the...the...bill. ::Hands Lina a long bill that totals something like 1027.58 dollars::  
  
Lina: ::Takes one look at the bill:: I didn't eat that much!  
  
MV: ::Blinks and watches the scene:: Must save Lina!  
  
Xelloss:Isn't that cute? ^_^  
  
MV:Shut up fruitcake! ::The total cost on Lina's bill vanishes in a puff of smoke and then another puff of smoke forms and the total is only a penny afterwards::  
  
Valgaav:You're just going to flaunt those stupid author powers aren't you?  
  
MV:Of course!  
  
Valgaav:Stop it already!!!!! Or else I will @#$! @%$^#& *&# %@@$#@#$!@%$^#&*&#% @@$# @#$!@%$^#&*&#%@@$# and send you to Germany!  
  
MV:Is that even physically possible Val?  
  
Valgaav:Want to find out?  
  
Amelia: ::Has her hands over her ears:: All that evil talk is unjust!  
  
Xelloss:Hey remember the story guys? ^_^  
  
::And everyone then remembered the story::  
  
Lina: ::Looks at the bill again:: Well I don't mind this bill anymore. ::Hands the bill with a penny on it to the waiter:: See ya!  
  
Chef:NOT SO FAST LINA INVERSE!  
  
Lina: ::Was about to leave:: What?  
  
Chef:You changed the bill somehow!  
  
Lina:I did not!  
  
Chef:Did too!  
  
Lina:Did not!  
  
Waiter:Can you please stop arguing?!?!?  
  
Xelloss:This is ridiculous ^_^  
  
MV:I'll have to fix that problem.   
  
Xelloss:Let me do it ^_^ ::Teleports to Lina and grabs her and teleports back to his spot:: She paid ^_^  
  
Lina:Xelloss? Amelia? ::Looks at Valgaav:: Val? ::Looks at MV and almost looks ready to kill him:: YOU!!!  
  
MV:Yeeees?  
  
Lina:I'M THE STAR OF SLAYERS SO STOP MAKING ME A SECONDARY CAST CHARACTER!  
  
MV:Why Lina-san?  
  
Lina:SHUT UP! FIREBALL!   
  
MV: ::Gets hit by fireball and waves a white flag around:: I surrender!  
  
Amelia:What about those two guys? ::Points to the chef and waiter who now have big knives::  
  
Lina: ::Blasts the waiter and chef into oblivion with a Dragu Slave::  
  
Valgaav:Can you say overkill?  
  
MV:Overkill.  
  
Valgaav:I didn't mean literally BAKA!  
  
MV:Of course not. Ok now we're done episode 3 cause we know why Lina-san eats so much!  
  
Everyone except for Lina and MV:We do?  
  
MV:Yep! She's hungry!  
  
::Everyone except MV sweatdrops::  
  
Valgaav:Yeah okay. Next we have to find Zel and find out...the reason everyone in the Slayers world likes to wear capes!  
  
Xelloss:Because they are fashionable ^_^  
  
MV:I think it's more for dramatic effect!  
  
  
Why does everyone in the Slayers world wear capes? Will Xel ever stop smiling? Was Zel serious about this fic being interesting? Find out next time!  
  
  
**********  
  
  
MV:Xelloss I demand to know why you always smile!   
  
Xelloss:Sore wa himitsu desu! ^_^  
  
MV:Oh wait, you don't always smile. Nevermind.  
  
Xelloss:^_^  
  
  
**********  
  
  
Episode 4:Chimeras and flashy capes ^_^  
  
  
MV:Ok the theme behind this entire episode is capes? Isn't that really stupid?  
  
Lina:You're the one writing the fic.  
  
MV:Yeah I know.  
  
Amelia:So we're going to find Mr. Zelgadis?  
  
MV:Yes we are! I wonder what zany adventure we'll get into this time?  
  
Valgaav:Baka!   
  
MV: ::Makes everyone disappear in clouds of smoke and reappear at a library where Zel is quietly reading a few books::  
  
Xelloss: ::Teleports behind Zel and taps him on the back:: Why hello Zel-kun! ^_^   
  
Zelgadis: ::Jumps in his seat at the sound of Xel's voice and turns his head around:: Don't do that fruitcake!  
  
Xelloss:Why not Zel-kun? ^_^  
  
Valgaav: ::Pushes Xelloss out of the way:: Shut up fruitcake!   
  
MV:Yeah we're here to find you and the reason why everyone likes to wear capes in the Slayers universe!   
  
::Suddenly a librarian comes out of nowhere::  
  
Librarian:QUIET! This is a library!  
  
MV:So it is, so it is!   
  
Librarian:IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP YOU HAVE TO LEAVE NOW!  
  
Amelia:Mr. Librarian you're the one that's yelling.  
  
Librarian:I DON'T CARE I DON'T WANNA HEAR A PEEP OUT OF ANYONE OF YOU!  
  
Amelia: ::Whispers to Lina:: Isn't that kinda hypocritical Miss Lina?  
  
Lina: ::Nods:: Ok listen you idiot, we weren't even making that much noise!  
  
Librarian: ::Growls:: OK NOW I'M MAD! ::A puff of green smoke surrounds the librarian::  
  
Zelgadis:What did you do this time?  
  
MV:That wasn't me!  
  
Everyone:Oh crap.  
  
Librarian: ::The green smoke dissipates and the Librarian is gone, in his place is a wolfman:: YOUS ARE GONNA DIE NOW!   
  
MV:Oh boy here we go with the senseless destruction.  
  
Lina:DILL BRAND!  
  
Wolfman: ::Gets swallowed up by the spell and dies:: Blast you Lina Inverse! Blast you!  
  
Zelgadis:Well that was...  
  
MV:Stupid?  
  
Zelgadis:Yeah.  
  
Valgaav:Let's get out of this dump!  
  
Xelloss:Of course Val ^_^  
  
Valgaav:Hey fruitcake!  
  
Xelloss:What? ^_^  
  
Valgaav:SHUT THE @#$!@%$^#&*&#%@@$# UP!  
  
Xelloss:@#$!@%$^#&*&#%@@$# is still not a word Val ^_^.  
  
MV:In any case Valgaav is right about getting out of here. ::Looks at all the library guards coming towards them:: Uhhh ok....  
  
::Everyone disappears in a cloud of smoke and lands on top of a tailors house::  
  
Amelia:Mr. Majin, why are we here?  
  
MV:So we can finish the episode Amelia!  
  
Xelloss:The cape thing ^_^. Let me handle this. ::Teleports into the shop and looks at all the capes::  
  
Tailor:May I help you?  
  
Xelloss:Yes, I would like a cape ^_^.  
  
Tailor:A cape hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm? You must be a character from Slayers then right?  
  
Xelloss:I most certainly am ^_^  
  
Tailor:Ok which character are you sir?  
  
Xelloss:Sore wa himitsu desu ^_^  
  
Tailor:Oh my gawd! It's Xelloss! Why is a fiendish Mazoku like yourself in my lovely little store?  
  
Meanwhile....  
  
MV:This is taking too long. ::Tosses two cards down that total 21:: Blackjack again.  
  
Lina: ::Grunts:: You're such a cheater!   
  
Amelia:Miss Lina you know Mr. Majin would never cheat!  
  
Lina:That's the 82nd time he got blackjack in a row!  
  
Zelgadis: ::Sitting with Val playing chess:: Obviously he just used his author powers to win. Checkmate!  
  
Valgaav:You always win in this game!  
  
Lina:Is that true MV?  
  
MV:Uhhh sore wa himitsu desu!  
  
Lina:FLARE ARROW! ::Hits MV with the arrow::  
  
MV:Ouchies.  
  
Back in the shop....  
  
Xelloss:This one is fine ^_^ ::Is wearing the same exact cape/cloak thingie as before::  
  
Tailor:Yes of course it is I created it!  
  
Xelloss:I'll be leaving now ^_^  
  
Tailor:Not til you pay. The price is your soul please!  
  
Xelloss: ::A bunch of thorns impale the Tailor:: That's a bit steep ^_^  
  
::Tailor dies and Xelloss teleports back on the roof::  
  
Everyone: ::Stares at Xelloss:: Well did you find out why?  
  
Xelloss:Sore wa himitsu desu! ^_^  
  
::Xelloss proceeds to get hit with several spells::  
  
  
How come the first episode of this fic was the shortest? Why did the price of a cape cost so much? Why does Val play chess with Zel if he always loses? Find out next time!  
  
  
**********  
  
  
Amelia:Mr. Majin why did the price cost so much?  
  
MV:Oh it's simple Amelia, inflation!  
  
Amelia: ::Sweatdrops::   
  
  
**********  
  
  
Episode 5:The end of the fic ^_^  
  
Valgaav:Ok I don't feel like using this fic's gag anymore so.....it's done!  
  
MV:Uhhh no Val I'm the author and I still have one more episode to go!  
  
Valgaav:And why is that?  
  
MV:Federal law requires me to type five episodes in this fic or else!  
  
Amelia:Or else what Mr. Majin?  
  
MV:Or else....well they never got to that part of the law yet but it's probably something really bad.  
  
Zelgadis:.....  
  
Xelloss:You realize that you make no sense at all right? ^_^  
  
MV:Yeah well.....I live with that.  
  
::A puff of blue smoke fills the area::  
  
Everyone:Look, a puff of blue smoke is filling the area!  
  
::Once the smoke is gone the figure of Fibrizo appears::  
  
Fibrizo:It's about time you let me in the fic Majin!  
  
MV:Heh sorry bout that!  
  
Fibrizo:You will be sorry about that! Introducing me last, you got some nerve!  
  
Lina:Is there a reason we're all here?  
  
MV:Oh yeah!!!!!!! You're all here to uhhh...celebrate ummm....Arbor day!  
  
Fibrizo:Nobody celebrates Arbor day you moron!   
  
Xelloss:Today isn't even Arbor day ^_^  
  
MV:Errr oh yeah.  
  
::Suddenly a group of pirates fall on to the roof::  
  
Pirate 1:Arrg!  
  
Pirate 2:Shiver me timbers!  
  
Pirate 3:It's Lina Inverse and her crew of idiots!   
  
::A puff of white smoke surrounds Lina-tachi::  
  
Lina:DRAGU SLAVE! ::Nothing happens:: Huh?  
  
Pirate 1:Arrg!  
  
Pirate 3:HAHAHA! You can't cast magic anymore!  
  
Fibrizo: ::Creates the three pirates life orbs:: Yeah but you can still die.  
  
Pirate 2:There she blows!  
  
Pirate 1:Arrg!  
  
Pirate 3:Go head an' kill us, but you'll never take us alive!  
  
Fibrizo: ::Crushes the life orbs and the three pirates die, only to have their spirits jump out their bodies::  
  
Pirate Spirit 1:Arrg!  
  
Pirate Spirit 2:I'm one a baseball team in Pittsburgh!  
  
Pirate Spirit 3:That didn't hurt!  
  
Xelloss:Oh look it's their spirits ^_^  
  
Zelgadis:....  
  
Valgaav:Gee thanks fruitcake.  
  
Xelloss:No problem.  
  
MV:GO AWAY! ::The spirits disappear in a puff of multi-colored smoke::   
  
Amelia:Why didn't you do that in the first place Mr. Majin?  
  
MV:Material Amelia, material! Ok so....that's it for this episode! The end!  
  
::Screen fades to black::  
  
**********  
  
Ok that was a fun fanfic to create, give me feedback please! I demand you give me feedback! I have to have feedback!  
FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDBACK!!!!!!!!!  
  



End file.
